Navigating Loss Using Spiritual Direction

Loss lands in our lives like an uninvited guest, unexpected and unsettling. When we lose someone we love, when the world we know shifts under our feet, when jobs change, or retirement lingers it’s easy to feel adrift. Experiencing loss and navigating the grief that comes from that loss can be disconcerting. That was how I felt in the weeks and months following my husband’s death.  The familiarity of my life now seemed like a terrible dream that I only read about in a novel. As an individual, I no longer felt whole and as a family, we became incomplete. I was suddenly lost in the shadowy darkness of the storm called grief. After the initial hustle and bustle that follows a death started slowing down and the casseroles with visitors attached to them no longer showed up at my door, I realized the silence left in the wake brought forth many questions and conversations with God.  Because the storm of grief was still raging and the waves of the ocean of sadness were still large, I felt like I could no longer clearly see God at work in my life.  There was a hollowness in my soul.  The gaping wound of loss made it feel as if there was a chasm filled with churning waves that separated me from the one thing that I tried to cling so tightly to. 

At first, I thought that seeing a therapist would help me sort through the destruction left behind. I met regularly with a compassionate and empathetic woman that worked with first responders.  She helped me to start clearing out the debris this storm had left in its wake. However, after a couple of months of counseling, something still seemed off.  Something was missing and it felt as if God was still out there in the distance.  And, while I could look back over the months leading up to John’s death and clearly see the hand of God working to prepare my heart for his loss, looking forward God was harder to see.  That is when I knew I needed to visit with a spiritual director, someone who would come beside me and help me to see how God was moving in my life.  Between counseling to help with the emotional burden of sorrow and spiritual direction to assist me with reconnecting with my faith, I finally found myself on a journey towards recovery and rebuilding…despite the storm’s constant rainstorms.    Meeting with a spiritual director was what my soul needed. She helped me lean into my faith through spiritual disciplines and practices.  Working with her really made a difference.  I want to share how these practices helped me and how they might help you, too.

Spiritual direction is, at heart, a sacred companionship. It isn’t therapy (though it can feel therapeutic), and it isn’t simply motivational coaching. Rather, it’s a journey in which you’re invited to explore the presence of God in the landscape of your grief and loss. A spiritual director listens as you name your sorrow, your confusion, your anger, and your longing, without judgment and without hurry. In that sacred space, she gently asked me, “Where is God in the middle of this? What parts of me feel broken, and where do I feel God’s presence in the brokenness?”

My spiritual director and I explored all of the ways in which I felt like I was struggling to see God’s provision and where I saw him most clearly.  My vision and the outlook of my journey through grief felt overwhelming on my best days and impossible on my worst.  I felt both alone but also seen.  I am not always good at naming my emotions and feelings.  As first responders, we learn to stuff emotions down or compartmentalize them. This is a protective measure that keeps us from being overly affected by the work that we do. The problem is, we do this so well that we often bury normal emotions and reactions that we face in our daily lives. It becomes unhealthy and often toxic when we don’t process those feelings.  Both my therapist and my spiritual director helped me explore the feelings that I had and name the emotions that showed up.  I learned that the emptiness I felt was the one thing that I wrestled with the most.  I didn’t really feel lonely but it was rather the emptiness that was left after John’s death that I couldn’t quite figure out.  My spiritual director helped me navigate this painful feeling of emptiness and offered me ways that I could connect with God when the emptiness felt suffocating.  I discovered that grief was not a barrier to God’s presence, it was a new passage. It changed how I moved forward.

After about a year, the heaviness of grief started to subside a bit. I also knew that I would need to start pivoting in my home life and in my career when my daughter went off to college and my nest would be empty.  I would need to navigate the difficulty of that change, but I found hope in the future and all that I could do in this new life.  I started to transition into spiritual formation coaching which helped me integrate what I was discovering in counseling and spiritual direction.  Coaching helped me integrate theses spiritual practices into the daily rhythm of life. In coaching I learned how to shape spiritual habits and build new spiritual practices. This helped me to connect with God and to look for him in the mundane.

The blend of counseling, spiritual direction and coaching helped me move from being stuck in pain to engaging with questions like: What is God inviting me to now? How does this loss shape my purpose? What habits will support my soul in this season? And, I believe it can help you too. Spiritual formation coaching “sets Christian coaches apart” by equipping them to help ordinary people draw closer to God through purposeful conversation, intentional moments of silence, and strengthening spiritual disciplines.”

If you’re reading this and wondering whether such support could be for you I want you to know that it can. Whether you are months or years into your loss, whether the grief is fresh or familiar, spiritual direction and formation coaching can offer a companioned road. You do not have to carry your grief as if alone. You can be seen. You can ask your questions without guilt or shame. You can build small practices that anchor your soul in the midst of the storm that you have found yourself in.  Remember spiritual direction and coaching does not take the place of professional counseling, rather it compliments it.

Here are some trusted resources you may find helpful:

·       A helpful overview of how to find a spiritual director: “10 Steps to Finding a Spiritual Director” from SpiritualDirection.com. SpiritualDirection.com

·       An accessible on-ramp to spiritual formation practices: Practicing the Way (eight-session course). practicingtheway.org

·       A clear difference between spiritual direction and coaching: Imago Christi’s article “Spiritual Direction or Coaching? Choosing What’s Best for You.” Ministry Architects

If you feel led to explore this path and would like to talk about how spiritual direction or formation coaching might work for you, please reach out. I’d be honored to talk with you. You don’t have to face your grief on your own. There is sacred companionship, there are practices that hold you, and there is still ground beneath your feet, even when it feels unsteady.