Please Don’t Say….

Please Don’t Say…

Part 1 of a 2 Part Series. Raise your hand if a friend, loved one, or even a complete stranger has said something to try and comfort you but the words came out all wrong? Raise your other hand if you have tried to comfort someone with words of wisdom or well-wishes that you later regretted? Most of us at one time or another has either been the recipient of well-intended words that still wounded or we have uttered them. When we are hurting because of loss, depression, overwhelm, or because of a tough situation, we tend to be extra-sensitive to the words and actions of others. It’s hard not to wear the hurt and pain on our sleeves when we are raw from the wounds we are waiting to heal. From the outside, when we react to those sticky comments, we can resemble a cactus with our thorny responses. But, who can blame us? We are wrestling with big burdens and an ill-sounding response can throw us off our game.

My work revolves around death and loss. I also help individuals, especially first responders, with mental health struggles. In the twenty years of doing this work, I have heard way more than my fair-share of well-intended words of affirmation and support that actually ended up causing more heartache. When I hear these affirmations being spoken, I can’t help but grimace inside. Sometimes, I will step into a conversation to help reframe what has just been spoken.

The phrase that I like the least that is often said after someone has suffered the loss of a loved one is, ‘He/she is in a better place.’ I know it’s meant to be comforting and that the individual (or pet) that has died is no longer suffering, but to the person receiving those words, it can be the opposite of comforting. When I hear this phrase being shared, I just want to say, ‘I know that, but I would much rather have them here with me!’ And while that may sound selfish on my part, especially if the deceased suffered, being in a ‘better place’ only makes me want to berate myself for being selfish. It’s okay to know that they are no longer hurting and in pain but it’s also absolutely okay to wish that they were here standing by your side instead of in heaven.

Here are some other phrases that can be considered painful for some:

For those grieving, please don’t say:

1. God needed an angel.– This makes God sound selfish and needy. It makes Him sound like He is a thief that steals our loved ones from us.

2. At least…– Any words of comfort that starts off with this phrase automatically demeans the individual’s loss and what they are feeling. It comes off as condescending.

3. Everything happens for a reason.– Maybe it does and maybe it doesn’t, but a reason for the loss, no matter how good of a reason, will never justify or rectify the loss and the fallout from that loss.

For those who are struggling with depression, anxiety, or some other mental health issue, please don’t say:

1. Just try harder.– Mental health issues have nothing to do with ‘trying’ harder or trying to do better. Depression, anxiety, traumatic stress actually has a root cause that is medically related to hormones, brain chemistry, and biological changes in the body. You can’t fix these things by ‘just trying harder.’

2. Cheer up!– For those who are wrestling with mental health issues, there are many days where it’s impossible to cheer up. The fog of depression is so thick that it’s hard to see the sunshine of a mentally healthy life. Many individuals need therapeutic interventions before they are able to cheer up.

3. You don’t seem sad (or insert any other emotion/feeling).– Individuals may feel too embarrassed to talk about their struggles. There is a lot of stigma that keeps people silent, especially for men and those who work in male-dominated fields. Sometimes individuals are even more reluctant to tell their closest loved ones for fear of letting them down or causing them to worry.

For those who are wanting to get married or having a difficult time conceiving, please don’t say:

1. There is someone out there for you. He/she is just not ready for you yet.– While that may sound hopeful, this phrase can actually cause more distress and hopelessness for the person yearning for a spouse or a child to love. It’s like dangling a carrot in front of them and actually not knowing if the end result will be that they get the carrot or they don’t.

2. Just…– Just adopt. That option isn’t always the best option for some couples. It can be a heartbreaking journey. Just think that you have all this freedom without being tied down. But the point is they want to share their time and their space with someone. Sometimes not having a spouse or a child feels like they are stuck in a prison of wondering and questioning. Freedom is not what they are seeking.

3. You need to relax.– When you relax and focus on yourself, the right person will show up. When you relax, you will most likely get pregnant. Neither one of these statements are true. There are plenty of people who relax and focus on themselves and yet they never get the desired results. Relaxing when also deeply yearning is much easier said that done.

These are just a small handful of well-meaning but still inappropriate sentiments that are said to people reeling from difficult circumstances. I am sure if you think back, you will remember a time or two that someone said something to you that raised your defenses. I would encourage you to remember those times that you were affected negatively by someone’s words the next time you are trying to comfort someone who has gone through a loss, is struggling with mental health issues, or is going through any other difficult situation. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. And, when you do finally speak, choose your words carefully. You want them to be a healing balm to their broken hearts and not something that causes them more pain.

In part two of this series, I will be discussing some sentiments and phrases that are helpful and healing. Make sure you stay tuned for that.